Wow. So I’m officially in my third decade of my life. Thirty. I still haven’t quite got used to saying it. I feel like I barely had a chance to get used to saying 29. Where are the years going? How am I going to react when someone randomly asks me my age? You know those times when you get caught out, and you just forget for a split second how old you are? Yep. You know exactly what I am talking about. So awkward.
I was out having dinner with my friend Harriet last week and I was explaining to her how I felt about turning 30. I wasn’t looking forward to my birthday to be honest. I think thats partly why I shied away from actually organising anything properly. When I was younger and imagined myself as a 30 year old I had a huge beautiful house, an amazing sports car, loads of money, designer handbags, a loving husband, kids and an amazing career. I honestly thought I’d have it all. Here I am at 30 and I am still renting, trying to get my foot on the property ladder, no kids, but I am working and I have an amazing relationship with someone I love dearly (FIANCE – Still haven’t got used to saying that!). Do I feel like I have failed at life? Yes and no.
Its weird because I don’t actually feel like I have changed as person for a long time except for fairly recently. I feel like I’ve been the same person since I turned 25. Inside I was the same person, doing the same things every day, just getting a year older every birthday. I had these ideas of what I wanted for my future but I never did anything about them – I just thought they would happen as if by magic.
Since turning 30 I feel like I have changed or am starting to change. When I explained all this to Harriet she didn’t look at me like I was this crazy person. She agreed with me. She said that the difference between your twenties and thirties is that in your twenties you worry about what other people think of you and in your thirties you learn not to worry. I think that is true. I constantly worried about what people thought of me. I’d replay situations in my head over and over wondering how I could have acted differently or what I could have said. I’d worry why someone hadn’t texted me back. Had I sent a rude message? Was I too blunt? Thoughts like these are completely irrational and extremely exhausting.
What Harriet said completely resonated to my very core. I thought back to a recent situation where someone didn’t text me back after I’d asked a perfectly nice question and I thought, is this person my friend? No. Then I don’t need to worry about why they haven’t replied. Its not about not caring, its about focusing your energy onto things that you actually want to do and things that make you happy.
Like this blog for instance, this blog makes me happy. Its my own space where I can share whatever I want with the world. Its very much me. A creative expression as well as a human one. I am still learning about myself and I’m learning to judge myself on my own terms. I think this is what your thirties are actually about. Becoming who you were always meant to be and learning to focus your energy. Your twenties are about growing up, drinking too much, being a whirlwind and finding your place in the world. Your thirties are for your soul.
So for the next ten years of my life I’m going to feed my soul. I’m going to do all the things that I know will make my soul happy and one of them is learning not to worry about what other people think. I can’t control other people’s thoughts I can only control my own. Lesson number one.
Happy 30th Birthday to me.
You know what. I wrote this post on the fly and it felt so good.